Contemplation

I haven't written on here in so long...It seems as if I only write when I'm sad, so I guess it's good that I haven't been writing in awhile because it means I've been happy most of the time? Or it's bad because I only write when I'm sad? I guess it's just one of those mysteries....Here's a couple of musings for you to chew on today.

At the moment....

I write in the midst of my procrastination, which is, by the way, a habit that is very hard to break. I still have papers to write for english, and a bio final to study for. I'd might as well give my mind a break, since I had a pretty intense psych final today. MY GOD, I don't know why writing papers is such a bitch to do. The reason why I put them off all the time is because I'm just...afraid of writing them. I'm intimidated by the blank page on my computer screen...how I have to fill three pages worth of analysis on these things...make it something worth to read. But when it comes to other things like analyzing a TV episode or a journal article online, I can pull out 1000 words without breaking a sweat! It's probably just the mentality of writing in a formal academic format that hinders my creativity. I just feel constrained whenever it comes to writing assignments...I wish I can whip out papers filled of BRILLIANCE like others can.

Lately....

I've been feeling insecure. When haven't I felt insecure? Or inadequate? Sometimes I just pause and wonder how I got accepted here in the first place. A lot of times I feel overshadowed by my own peers...I was hoping this would motivate me to do better, but lately I just feel like I'm just not good enough....Grr. I have to destroy this negative attitude. It's bad for my health, and it does nothing but waste my time.

ROTC

I still don't know if this was a good decision. But I feel like I have to do this. I want to do this. It would give me great focus and more discipline in my life. I would lose weight. It will help me develop into a better leader. It will help me find the confidence and strength that is hiding inside of me...It would just bring out the best in me. But I do have to acknowledge certain things, like the amount of work I would have to put into this program, both mentally and physically. It will no doubt test my limits. I just hope that I am ready for this. I will try it out for a year, and if I want to go through with the ROTC I will accept the full tuition scholarship for the remainder of college and contract with the Army. I don't really care what other people think at this point. This is my life, my decisions. I decide what is right for me, and if people think otherwise, well too bad. They can stay in that negative mindset while I move on and prove them wrong.

The only thing I'm really worried about is how my parents will react to my decision. They'll probably first be angry because it will take away the focus from my education. They think ANYTHING I do that has nothing to do with my education will deter me from succeeding. They're paranoid like that. First they thought being in Boston would lead me to bad decisions like going clubbing every weekend and getting pregnant and inevitably dropping out. Now they (more specifically, my dad), think that socializing with other people will lead me to caring less about my education and then drop out. They're so scared for my failure so much that they fail to acknowledge my abilities. I wonder how they truly view me. Do they think I'm a vulnerable, frail girl who can't fend for herself out in the real world? Another thing is, my parents would probably not be able to distinguish between ENLISTING in the army and participating in the ROTC. They'll think I'll end up like their family doctor's son, who was a marine corporal that died in Iraq. They'll obviously worry that I'll be deployed during college, which is NOT the case in the ROTC because training takes place DURING school, and our miltary obligation does NOT begin until after we are commissioned. ugh. just thinking about having to talk with them about the ROTC is already giving me headaches.

One thing I am truly bad at is communicating with my parents, if you can not already tell. For one thing, they are very stubborn and a lot of times refuse to listen to me. And even if they do listen to me, they'll try to disprove what I say and just try to push their opinions on me. My parents are also very narrowminded people, who seem to be unable to accept a different perspective other than their own. Because of this, I get frustrated and end up releasing my frustration by yelling at them, which leads nowhere in terms of persuading them. at first I thought maybe it's because of the language barrier. But no. Even if I spoke to them in Tagalog I probably still wouldn't be able to get my point across. I try to understand things from their perspective...I understand that they are trying to do what is best for me, but they do have to acknowledge that I'm no longer that young child that they've reared for 18 years. How will I be able to make decisions for myself if they always try to make them for me?

Why does speaking to my parents have to be so difficult? If I could get past this, I could get past anything in life.